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Monday, January 2nd, 2006
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7:38 pm - Unto others
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For my outburst last night, i am ashamed.
For this, i am sorry. Perhaps, i was wrong in assuming that to speak my mind, to be open, was the correct thing to do.
Understand, that such mistakes will not be repeated. There was nothing to gain in my outburst last night, other than to calm my mind. Now that i can see clearly, i can see my mistake.
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12:07 am
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| Sunday, January 1st, 2006
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6:37 pm - Swap New Years Stories
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Swap New Years Stories
Laughs: i guess some people just aren't meant to party hop. And me, I'm no execption.
I tired to have a good time last night, and i'd have to say, the beginning part of my evening with Brett was great. I had a wonderful time drinking wine and chilling with Brett, his bf, and his friends at the house.
Once we hit the party scene, I felt more out of place than ever. Brett walked into the appartment, everybody knew him, it was like being in a movie. The crowd kinda parts as we make our way down a row of kisses - well Brett's the one doing the kissing and intoducing of me.
I tried drinking and mingling, but lets face it, on New Years eve, no one wants to meet some new kid. I must admit, that the people whom i talked to last night, i mean actually carried on a conversation for more than a couple minutes, were kind. These two really nice hippie chicks, even talked me through a mild panic attack when i just couldn't stand it.
By the end of the night, i had sobered up and drove brett back to his crash point, then me back to my house.. I made it back to my house by, i kid you not, 12:45- maybe 1:00. :laughs: when i got home i finally felt safe enough to let go, and there i was, piss drunk... WITH MY MOM!!!!
AHHHHHH! Worst ending ever! There i was, drunk ..and with my mom! Oh man, it was funny alright. ...
Over all, i was just happy i actually got myself out of the house. It took alot of courage to get myself back out into crowds. Brett didn't let me back out, goodness knows i tried.
So Happy New Years guys- can't wait to hear all the stories.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, December 30th, 2005
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9:51 pm - Listen to Matisyahu
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My cd finally came today and thank God - it came just in time.
Matisyahu's music just lifts me up. And it's not about the religon, it's the sound, the feeling it creates inside me.
(( Oh and maybe because i got mentioned in poetry... ))
For the first time ever, i was the one written about. As a writer, there is no greater compliment. (( even if the words are harsh- it still is emotion- and this case...they aren't harsh
So check Him out
www.hasidicreggae.com
I think you'll be impressed.
::Smiles:: i don't care if it's fleeting... i feel wonderful
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 28th, 2005
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5:57 pm
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Collin says:
I'll have to tell everyone to stop hating her
I:
Laugh
I think:
How can i forgive and forget the pain- my holding him while he cried. My feeling his heart break with him.
It's not jealously... it's personal pain. How can i forget that she threw in his face, what i have never felt or had the luxury of being given- Romance- Considerate love.
It's his life...I'm not in it. And i'm still working on my own seperate issues.
laugh/sigh
Childsupport
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5:39 pm - Listen to Bollywood
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It's been quiet here. Nothing much to do, but just sit back and relax.... I'm used to the hustle of this holiday, working and such, trying to get shopping and fun in while maintainning my job. Now, however, it's just been quiet. No Blockbuster to work me ragged..
Quiet. Perhaps it is over rated. All i wanted upon leaving for break, was to rest. And now, i am restless.
I try to sleep, and i wake- feeling as tho i have been running all night. My mind is as restless as my body, if not so much more.
I'm alone, in so many aspects... this is a month of firsts.
First holiday without a significant other in nearly two years
First holiday off
First holiday home
Stopping my rambling now... my mind keeps shutting off while i'm typing.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, December 10th, 2005
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6:41 pm - Another - to give ya the Flavor
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6:28 pm - Sereiously! Ya'll need to check this out!
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http://ormusic.com/ecard/matisyahu/
This link is to a music video of Matisyahu! If you like reggae, if you like rap, if you like music that has real- and real good- lyrics.... Check this out. (( or check it out just for fun))
Oh and PS- he's comming to Columbus, January 15th (that's right, three days before my 21st!) I am so going to be there!
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
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10:17 am - Japanese
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Today's final went GRRRREAT!!! I finished the test at the same time as the rest of the class, which is saying alot for me!!! The test took me about 20 min to a half hour!!! And when we turned our finals in, our final grade report was waiting for us. As of right now i have a C!!!! WHich means, as long as i didn't fuck up that final... Then i'll have a C-!!! Whoot!
The sad thing is- i love japanese and now this makes me WANT to take the second year!
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| Sunday, December 4th, 2005
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10:48 pm - Can't wait for finals to be done
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Once finals are done, then i am hitting the road. I have a couple stops around the state, and when i say around the state, damn do i ever mean AROUND the state.
I plan to go from D-town, to C-vand.... Hey that's damn near the whole state. I'll talk to EJ- maybe get in some time in Hunington W.V.A. So yep, i'm talking abouts every where.
I feel some creating somming on, hoepfully over break, i'll be able to start writing again. I see everyone around me, producing their creativity in external sources, and it's put a fire under me to really push myself out and back into the fields i love most. Theatre may be dead, and i may have burnt out my voice....
BUt i still plan to write my finers off- and i've even talk with Ben- one of my Duce-Guys, about starting up a loose jam band. We just want a group wherein we can get together once a month or so, and strum guitars, sing some bars, and what ever other kind of instrument we can find- we'll probally accept.
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10:46 pm - It feels so good to cry
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it feels good to cry
Finals is upon me- and of course, with the rush and stress I'm sick... But not to fear, that means- TIffany comes home and forces herself to do WORK.
So i'm home, and i'm looking through everyone's Myspace, and LJ, and so on... and i went to leave Lainey a message- and then i saw them... The pics of Beatufiul Lainey in her garb, in her role as a cigarette girl in Carmen, at the Dayton Opera house.
I cried- i couldn't help it. Lainey is this wonderful, vibrant personality. When you meet her, all you want to do is hug her- get to know her more. And i am so fortuante to have met her- to have met all my girls from D-town. But seeing her in her costume, just put me to tears. I'm so proud of her, first of all, and so damned happy. She deserves that role and so many more to come.
I pray that her music touches the souls of thousands- that her beautiful voice her heard every where. Her spirit is light and loving- and by simply gracing that stage, she's made it! (( for all you perfomers out there, you know what IT is! ))
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| Thursday, October 13th, 2005
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2:04 pm - Got Pierced?
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Well all, it's been an amazing week. To start with- as of officially a week ago, I went to Evolved with four totally amazing, wonderful friends. With their support, i was fianlly able to do something i had wanted for a long time.
I got my nipples pierced!!! Whoot!!
Great huh? It was fantastic! The piercers name was Ryan, a good sign, seeing as how my bro's name is Ryan. I took it as a good omen, and continued on. Man am i happy i did! Cause Ryan took great care of me, he pierced the left nipple first, then the right, and i swear, the left i didn't feel at all. On the right, because i knew what was comming, i took a quick breath in the middle of the piercing- but other than that, not a peep outta me. Ryan told me i was the most calm person he had pierced all day! I was so proud of myself.
They're starting to heal now. Looking Fantastic if you ask me! Over all i am just so pleased. I had pictures, taken for me by Beath, of the whole process, and my sweetie Meg, filmed the event! So if ya'll would like to personally get to see a shot or two, just ask and i can email you the professional pictures taken. ( Video will not be shared, that was just for me, and my personal wants.)
On the upside, i'm starting to get some connections around campus.. I am feeling safer and starting to feel much more in control of myself....
My Japanese class is still threatening to clean the floor with me. And poetry, well it isn't exactly turning out the way i wanted. But i am working really hard. ANd making some awesome new friends, Yeah to the Duces of Baker Hall, as well as getting closer to old ones- shout out to my friends in Bradley, you know who you are!
Whoot people! Live the life - let beauty rule you for a day!
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| Saturday, September 24th, 2005
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3:18 pm - Making it
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Looking towards monday, you'll see the beginning of our actual first week here at OSU.
Yea- I've made it three days, and now am pushing on through this weekend. Strangely enough, with my lack of initiative and interest to go out and start 'making new friends', my heavy course load seems over-bearing, but manageable.
How would i know? Simple. Friday night, didn't go out party looking, tonight, not going out party hopping- and do people have parties on sundays? Well i am sure they do, but i wont be there.
I just don't feel like it. I feel like calling a few people- getting back in touch, maybe heading to their houses to do various things. But overall- i just don't care- almost- that i really haven't made any new friends and this is the end of our frist week.
Sure i've had excuses, but the brunt of it is- i'm not walking around knocking on peoples doors- meet&greeting. I'm just sitting in my room, resting from being sick, or looking at a campus map and trying to find a place to eat.
But i think that's the only time i really get antsy and uncomfortable about not having "friends", i have no one to eat with, to just call up knowing they'll probally be there, and go out for food. I hate eatting alone. It consitutes a number of problems- such as where do i sit, if all the tables are taken do i just squeeze myself onto the seatting of the least filled table and try not to impose upon their conversations- it was their table first, and i'm just the looser who didn't have anyone with her.
Sure i'm lonely- but i've had some very important help. Fortune smiled upon me when it blessed me with two wonderful friends i met in high school. Beth and Robby just accepted me back into their lives, as tho i had never left. They didn't begrudge me that i had disappeared for two years- that i had missed out on their lives and getting to know who they are now... No they just took me back in and with joy we found that our schools were the same, our street addresses were the same. We damn near are living in the same dorm- were so close. I'm so lucky....i'm so so lucky.
But at the same time, While loving these beautiful two, i can't impeed them. It's unfair of me to call them each day, to weasel my way into their own plans, just because i can't get out and make other aquaintences- doesn't mean i should leach onto them. It's unfair of me. I watch them, and they relate to one another with a manicured ease, the kind which only uncounted hours spent together reflect in their graces and laughter.
They are beautiful. And together, their happiness and joy in one another shows.
I try to relate, but i feel so awkward.
I know what they would say if they read this silly rambeling of mine- "Oh Tiff you know we love you. You don't both us."
But i need to act on my own wisdom. I know that these next few weeks can be so crutical at creating connections and bonds. They need to make their connections so that they set up a comfortable and happy platform from which to build upon for the rest of their college carreers.
Hanging out with your old high school friends can be a real deturrent and henderence. Others won't feel as aplicable towards approaching them if they feel that the person is already commited to keeping highschool friends and not branching out.
i know i wouldn't hold them down- but i do have to admit, it scares me that i would.
My first year at Dayton was hell. Comming in late, i was shut out from all the other students. They'd formed their friendships and made it clear there wasn't room for more. I tried desperatly to make friends with old high school buddies and i could barely do that.
Drugs became the only thing that made me feel like i wasn't alone.
Sobered now- i wouldn't wish that feeling of total rejection upon hardly anyone.
And sobered- i'm terrified that i'll loose it again, with the lack of drive i'm finding now to connect with others.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
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1:10 am
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We cant choose when conflict should and shouldn't be in our lives.
We all know that when it rains, it pours- and otherwise we got clear skies.
but i'm unraveling- agian. just wearing on and wearing thin.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 23rd, 2005
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11:03 pm - Leaving time
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Two years-
That's what i'd call a damn good run. May i try to remind myself of that very fact.
As two years of hell and sublime- walking my path along side someone who has become so close to me comes to an end- or perhaps just a delay i can't help but have a moments pause from control on the exterior.
Things fall appart you know- but i've never had this before.
So, perhaps the first time love starts to be pulled away, has to be the hardest.
I pushed myself to keep a distance in the beginning, but with these past years, he's broken my barriers, worked with me- instead of well- forcing me. And in the end, i wanted to fall in love- hoepfully as badly as he did.
Shane leaves for dayton this weekend. With plans of returning on a later date- He says he will be back- and now, to keep my sanity in the midst of all of life's little personalized chaos, i have to tell myself- like i did with my first love... IF, If you'll be back, If you'll make it through this, if we'll even want each other when all of this is said and done.
Why say if? Simple, so long as there is only the possibilty of something happening - it will have less of a chance to break my heart when it doesn't happen ( or does for that matter).
SHane knows this- he's heard the stories of me waiting in parking lots for hours waiting on past love- only to be left with excuses to fill the voided time i spent waiting.
Now he too fears becomming an if to me, he becomes flustered and angry when i insert if under my breath or straight out. But i need to protect myself- i've let myself become too attached.
But live and loose- then do it all over again. Isn't that life after all?
So what do i have to fear... but the repition of the cycle. (perhaps i have fallen for this one too hard)
This past week has been great, but i think both of us realized that today would be our second to last day together...tomorrow our last, and the stress and strain reared it's ugly head. Today, we ended our few hours together in a fight- this isn't how i wanted it to end.
But fairy tales and little girl day dreams don't come true.
I should be happy with the sweetened moments we've had these last few days... then let go.
Of all the things- knowing that he'll soon be so far away- now way for me to physically be there for him... yea... above all, that hurts the most.
Hold your head up kiddo- don't let 'em see ya cry.
Goodnight
current mood:  drained
current music: Nora Jones
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, June 13th, 2005
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3:43 pm - Until the 18th
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I believe that it is simply bullshit that my uroligist's office simply cannot get on the phone and tell me- one way or the other - wheather my kindey has improved.
As of right now i can't even get a fucking appointment to have him tell me IF i NEED sugery UNTIL the 6th of July.
The receptionist told me that if he decides on sugery then, since the appointment is on the 6th then the 18th would be the soonest that he could perform the sugery.
So, for now, my family and i are preparing for me to have sugery, on the 18th of July, of this year.
Because i, personally, would like closure.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
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11:03 pm - Everytime
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Everytime i check Chadwell's away message he cracks me up!
Just through i'd share with everyone, the brillance of Chadwell.
Auto response from Alpha Wolf 099: "...and my meds made me sleepy and lethargic and so I drank caffine to make me awake and spry but I took more meds and I felt very trippy and I drank more caffine and I felt overstimulated and then I thought 'Is this what it's like to be my Penis?'"
-Chadwell, the Conversation Killer
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 7th, 2005
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11:08 am - Please...
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Please, if you have anything to say about the work below, FEEL FREE to say it. I've become accustom to workshopping, and we rip appart our work together, so feel free to do so. Construcitive critism and a bit of praise can change a poem!
Thanks-
T
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11:03 am - Womanhood
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Womanhood
This hole in my body
is not open to squatters.
It is not the object
of my feminity,
but the oppression of my gender.
I am not a carrying case
not a life-barer
not anyone’s receptacle.
This barren burrow
deep in my belly
shall not be my defining factor.
Simply because of my sex,
do not label me:
Pro-choice murderess
Mother in wait
Pen-money maker
House-wived and apron bound
I am sovereign
of my womanhood.
This hole is not open.
TIffany Rogers
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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11:02 am - Sterile
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This Poem is entitled Sterile, it was written in response to a new article aobut a man who had caught onfire during sugery.
Sterile
“The male patient, who was not identified,
went up in flames after alcohol poured on his
skin was ignited by a surgical instrument.”
-A.P.
You watched his cheeks melt
fast, away from the bone.
And mouth opened- soundless
you begged to be back in your single bed room flat
dropping doses
In safety- removed
From the flesh forming pools
On the sterile, metallic table.
It was not the sight of the excess isopropyl alcohol sparked
by your laser-scalpel
but the acrid stench of cared skin
shrouding the cadaver;
arches of curling grey smoke for eyebrows,
which made you hurl up your internship,
thankfully, in the wash basin, this time.
As the other aqua gowned scrubs scramble
to undue the smoldering
mistake.
Tiffany Rogers
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